Like just about all battlefields, there are inevitably casualties, that occasionally hit close to home. Perhaps it is that person you went through basic training with, and developed such a deep camaraderie for, who, under the shock and fear of war just... loses it, and does irreparable damage to both themselves, and your bond. Perhaps you may find unlikely bonds from other squad-mates who turn out to have your back when you least expect it, but most need it. Either way, war is hell, and in love, fear is the greatest enemy. Fear kills love, and turns people you trust and know into strangers with no remorse. Any history between you becomes a painful learning experience, with the scars to show.
It is just such a lesson I have learned over the last few months... And no, this has nothing to do with gaming.
A few weeks ago, I posted on my facebook profile this picture that reads "Anyone can love you when the sun is shining, in the storms is where you learn who truly cares for you". I posted this because in my recent battle with unemployment, I have taken a casualty... the one woman I thought would be there the most for me. You may remember her from my "Spoiler Alert- Zhaitan Dies!" blog. The one I referred to as Anastasia Merrimox in my games.
However, in losing this girlfriend of over a year, not only have I been shown the basest nature of women such as her, but I have also come to see the bright light that resides in the women friends I have, who have stood beside me in this trying time, and gone far above and beyond the call of duty.
You see, I have a tragic flaw... I am an unabashed goddess worshipper. I by and large treat women like gold. It does not ALWAYS manifest in buying lavish things, or spending a ton of money on them; it might be something as simple as cooking dinner, encouraging her to achieve her dreams, immortalizing her in art, photos, or song, and generally going out of my way to be and do for her, often times at the expense of myself. Why? Because I know life's secret. That secret is easy for anyone to master really...
To be truly successful in life, you have to give. You have to help others with an open heart, and you have to be willing to go outside of your comfort zone to go where the universe needs you most. Each soul you help, brings you closer to source, and is the basis of growth.
To be ego serving accomplishes nothing, except leaves you with an emptiness in your soul that can never truly be filled. To be materialistic enslaves you to the things that do not matter, which you cannot take with you when you die. Selfishness traps you in an endless cycle that, when coupled with fear, paranoia, doubt, and self loathing, can be a self fulfilling prophecy of confusion, eventual insanity, loneliness, and a huge dose of karma for the people you have wronged to accomplish your misplaced goals. Shallowness prevents access to the deep well of spiritual truth, in which is our truest selves. The vicious cycle ensures that one will never progress beyond where they are, and as time goes on, could end up losing what they have in a desperate attempt to hold onto it. I know because at one point in my life, I was living it. Now I have seen it manifest in her life.
Belittling and mistreating your own family, especially the deceased, is a set up for karmic disaster. These are things i saw, which did not sit well with me, and makes me inclined to think perhaps it is better to not be tethered to someone whose lack of faith, let alone respect has them on a crash course for spiritual ruin.
The universe has a long memory... it never forgets, even if we do.
So while the woman of my life succumbed to fear, and has returned to being the "cowardly lion", the lessons we both had experienced are now lost... seemingly forever. The only lesson apparently learned by her would be that when the going gets rough, cut and run... but in all honesty, she had that lesson down decades before I came into her life. I guess some folks have to learn the hard way. Much like "The Matrix", some people choose the blue pill, and that is ok... It is their choice. Sleep well, fair princess.
It was foretold to me by a good friend, so when the eventuality happened, I was prepared... though still disappointed in her, and disappointed in myself for having pledged my heart to someone who scarcely cares about her own, let alone anyone else. This from someone who vowed I was their best friend up till recently. Whether she truly understands the meaning of the term, or even the meaning of love... is a mystery best left to the universe.
It is when times are darkest that light comes.
While receiving little to no emotional support from my "beloved", a number of close friends have rallied to my aid, reaffirming my statement above on how to be truly successful. Five in particular have gone above and beyond to ensure that not only could I physically survive the doldrums, but emotionally and spiritually remain intact. Make no bones about it, these women kept me alive, in particular through the last four months.
A trio of these goddesses even came to visit me, each at different times, and at their own expense, because they knew the deep depression I had fallen into, and realized that what I needed the most at the time was companionship and unconditional love... not to be a hermit. These women- Kristie, Karen R, and Aimie, reminded me of what true friendship is like, when centered in true love.
They gave of themselves willingly, because they "get it". They were not bound by fear, but instead radiated a love that brightened my soul (and home) in their presence, and left me with hope. While they too benefited from the experience, my gratitude for these amazing ladies is without bounds. Unsurprisingly, two of the three are now good friends with each other.
The others who were unable to visit me, have made their presence known daily with online check-ins, phone calls, messages of encouragement and love, and occasionally tears shed on my behalf. People like Janean, Jen, Sanja, Stacie, Crissy, Kelsay, Karen M, Misty, Dom, my mom Fiesta, even my daughter Lauren, and her mom Jess, have been instrumental in keeping the connection alive and strong. Life is about the connections. As I have stated before to many... ultimately we are all one soul. Whatever I can do to benefit them, I am happy to oblige, because I have placed great value on the benefits I have received, just by having the connection.
Even now, months later, I am still being visited by women who truly care. Over the last few weeks especially I have been blessed immensely with love from those who in the past I too gave willingly, without expectation of return. This right here, is also a lesson in karma. It runs both good or bad, highly dependent on your actions, and the motivations behind those actions.
What I may have lost in losing one "girlfriend" to whom i was loyal (hey, we all make mistakes, right), I have regained manifold in seeing the Goddess reflected in my closest friends. I KNOW I am loved. I am reminded of it daily... and the people who choose not to matter, well... they fall like shed skin into the gutters of obscurity. But you had better believe, when I say I love these incredible women, I MEAN it. If it takes me a hundred lifetimes to prove it, I would. They have been the sunshine to dissipate my storms. And here is the best part... it's not even about sex.
As I began to turn this corner in my life, I prayed for the universe to remove from my life ALL obstacles preventing me from achieving success and balance.
My prayers were answered.
Goodbye Stacy, and thank you for the sobering lessons, the fond memories, and the gifts (especially the pictures).
Love is a battlefield... I lost my closest squad-mate, when she allowed her fears to change her into someone more dangerous to our unit than the enemy. The rest of my squad rallied to save me from certain doom, and helped us to accomplish our objectives. I owe them my lives (yes plural)... and I intend to pay it forward.
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In other news. my friend Eden and I will be broadcasting a new internet radio show starting Thursday, March 6, 2014, at 11 PM. It will be called "Unslaved Mind Radio", and can be found at blogtalkradio. Please be sure to tune in and join us as we discuss the realities of what is going on around us, as well as what we can do to help ensure that our light grows brighter in this incredible time of universal and planetary change. Take the red pill, and listen in... We cannot promise you where you will end up, but we'll at least show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
