Sunday, December 12, 2010

Top Ten Ways to Beat Old Man Winter (reprint from my MySpace)

An oldie but goodie... Thanks again to Daaaaaaawn for the awesome recipe... my fictional St Bernard loves it!

It's Christmas! YAY!!!!

For those of us here in the USA, as well as many other countries (except Australia... those lucky folks get to go to the beach), it is pretty darn cold. Scratch that... it is GAWDDAMN COLD!!! If you are lucky... and I use that term loosely, you will have a white Christmas. Personally I would settle for the blue Christmas... complete with the tropical island beach, a corona (with lime) in my hand, and some steel drums playing in the background, but you take what you can get, right?

Cold weather seems to bring out the bear in a lot of us... as it is hibernation time, not to mention the moods we seem to get in when Ma Nature dishes out some bitter cold and stinging snow, making our daily commutes to work, school, wherever that much more of a chore. Not to MENTION the scraping of ice, the shovelling of snow, and the salting of driveways and sidewalks. In short... Old Man Winter is laughing at us. LAUGHING I SAY!!!

Well enough with him, I have hit on some great ideas to BEAT Old Man Winter at his own game, and I want to share them with you today! Now some of you are not old enough for all these suggestions so don't even think of it, or I am reporting you to Santa, and next year you know what you are getting... a gift only fit enough for a barbecue grillmaster like myself.

Without further ado... Drew's Top Ten ways to beat Winter:

10- Turn your house heat up to 90 degrees... This one is a popular favorite with kids, but not so much with parents... who have to pay the gas/electric bill... But nothing says tropical loving like walking home from a 5 degree day into a sauna. When you start seeing palm trees in your living room and dolphins swimming in your bathtub, you know you have done it right.

9- Brandy. (Not for the under 21) This warming liquid is the elixir of life... and there is a reason why St Bernards hang it from their necks... talk about man's best friend! (Now where the hell is that dog... Here Boy... Here Rover!) I think he might have drunk it himself... stupid dog. Provided you can catch the dog, or go to the liquor store on your own, stock up on this useful drink. It'll go great when they turn off your heat for non-payment of the bill in January.

8- Hot chocolate... Nuff said. Who does not love hot chocolate? I mean seriously... you have to be dead to not appreciate the warm feeling, the sweet aroma and taste, and shove some marshmallows and the aforementioned brandy in there and you have a winner suitable for ski lodges EVERYwhere! By the way, some of the best chocolate comes from Jamaica... wink wink. Winter is a perfect time for a road trip I think.

7- Cuddling... Now a note about this one. This only works best when you actually have a partner... wife or girlfriend if you are a man, husband or boyfriend if you are a woman... Don't ask don't tell, if you are of a different persuasion... If you have none of the above and are faced with nights alone... you have my sympathy. Try the pillow... Not a very good substitute, but it may keep you from freezing to death. Another note on cuddling... it seems to be better at night, since at morning... morning breath kinda throws the whole thing off... ugh. Also do NOT use the dog... dog breath is the worst any time of day. Btw, cuddling is best after brandy... unless your wife/girlfriend's name is Brandy, then it is a win-win.

6- Vacation... I am sure you have all heard of snowbirds... well it is not just for the birds. If you have the money... Get the hell outa dodge. Jamaica is nice this time of year! So is Australia!! Be sure to call your local phone company to put your phone on "vacation service" me on that... and make sure you turn the heat back down from 90. Don't take the brandy with you... unless your girlfriend/wife's name is Brandy... in which case... YEAH, you wanna take her.

5- Snowball Fights... Now I know what you are all thinking... Drew are you nuts? That's a cold thing to do. Nope... Yeah the building of a fort and the amassing of your "cold war" arsenal of snowballs is on the cold side but think of the physical activity of building then pelting your neighbors, the postman, cars coming down the street, your mom, the cops that come to arrest you for drunken disorderly behavior after so much brandy and so many neighborhood reports. You get to spend the night in a nice warm cell that is probably set to 90 degrees as well. Ok so the view kinda sucks... you'll be warm!

4- Carolling... this is great! Especially after brandy and even BETTER after Christmas! Nothing says peace on Earth like walking around the neighborhood after Christmas singing Christmas carols at the top of your lungs and dodging all sorts of missiles from neighbors... not to mention the heated physical activity running from the cops later. You can't miss... Old Man winter will never chill you out with this plan.

3- Throw a Party... Everyone loves Christmas parties... but let's not just stop there. Instead of a Christmas party, make it a Winter party! Make sure you have plenty of brandy on hand, and invite all the people you know to your house. Set the temperature to 90 (do this after about an hour at temperature setting to 60) and enjoy the fun. There is no greater joy than watching all your drunken guests disrobe and go to walk outside in the subzero temperatures to cool off. It's magical I tell you... magical. Be sure to prop the drunk girl up away from your computer... you know she is going to puke on it before the night is out. A great party trick is to get the St Bernard drunk on his own brandy... HOURS of fun! When the cops come... blame it all on the dog.

2- Sled riding. Now, while I will not condone driving while drunk, there is no greater fun than sledding after a nip of brandy in your own backyard. Watch out for the house... the dog... the partygoers... the junk in your backyard covered with snow. If your backyard is flat... I feel sorry for you... maybe your neighbor has a slight hill... Hop the fence and try it out... time to get some powder man. Just make sure when the cops come you do not run with the sled... humans run faster with no weight dragging them down... But hey, it will keep you warm!



No I am not kidding... in fact... in the spirit of the holiday season, I want to share with you a recipe I have for the absolute BEST Christmas cake that is SURE to keep you warm all winter long!

Christmas Cake


* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 1 bottle brandy
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the brandy to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the brandy is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.  Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the  oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Scream at party guests. Turn heat up to 100 or some fink. Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the Baint Sernard. Escape to Jamaica...


Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(disclaimer- Drew does not hold any liability for you getting in trouble with the law by trying any of these ideas... You on your own there buddy...) 

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